A speech describing society’s role in domestic abuse won second prize in the International Speech Competition in Rotorua recently.
Sheryn Dean receives her award
Cambridge Toastmaster Club president, Sheryn Dean, presented her speech entitled ‘Culture of Complicity’ at the Toastmaster District 112 Conference earlier this month.
Members from 130 clubs throughout the North Island competed at club, area, then division levels to select the eight finalists.
“It was my first time competing so I was thrilled to get to district level,” Dean said. “It was also the first time I had spoken about my experience of abuse to unknown audiences. It is not a subject I thought would be well received, but every time I spoke people came to me afterwards, wanting advice or to share their experience, or thanking me for speaking out.”
When she heard the other finalists, “who were humourous and inspiring, I thought there was no way I would be placed”.
Dean joined the Cambridge Toastmasters Club in 2021 with the goal of being able to speak about domestic abuse – specifically psychological abuse in the middle class.
“Domestic abuse resources focus on women who are physically attacked, but psychological abuse is also devastating, and unfortunately, extremely common. It is really confusing because there is not something specifically violent. But it’s like the proverbial water on the rock, and eventually it can break even the strongest of people.”
Her speech focused on the lack of support and understanding she experienced from her peers as she endured, and then fled, from her abusive relationship.
“I know the people I reached out to were good people. But with the benefit of hindsight, their reactions were detrimental to me and my situation. They simply had no experience, and were unable to comprehend the manipulative narcissistic behaviour I was being subjected to.”
New Zealand has the highest rate of domestic abuse of any developed country and Ms Dean attributes that to our culture of acceptance and indifference. “Those who say it is not their problem, that it doesn’t affect them, and that it is not their place to interfere in a marriage are the ones I want to hear me,” said Dean. “It is, it does, and it’s our duty to step up whenever injustice is being done. And I also like answering that question ‘Why don’t they just leave?’”.
Dean concluded her place-getting speech with advice to listen to anyone who is confused about their relationship. “Encourage them to set boundaries, value themselves, seek professional help. “Listen and don’t project your own experiences. There is a huge difference between an argument in a healthy relationship and an abuser controlling a target. Whatever you do, don’t infer it is their fault, or that it is something they should put up with. The abuser is probably already telling them that.”
Dean said her confidence had been so destroyed during her relationship it cost her dearly. “My claim for a share of marital assets is still ploughing its way through Family Court – six years and counting! Initially, I didn’t know that I would have to defend myself. I thought the law was pretty straightforward and divided everything equally. So naïve! I was no match for his lies and manipulations.”
Joining Cambridge Toastmasters has increased Dean’s confidence considerably and she rates it as one of the most beneficial things she has ever done. “I was determined to learn how to speak confidently and how to think on my feet under pressure. Club members are fantastically supportive. We all have our own goals. It’s a fun evening and interesting seeing how quickly people develop.”
Cambridge Toastmasters meets at 7pm on Mondays and members give feedback on each other’s speaking and presentation skills. “Actually,” said Dean, “learning how to give feedback in a manner that is taken on board by the recipient is a skill worth learning in itself.”
Now passionate about helping others dealing with similar abusive situations, Dean is keen to talk to other audiences. “I think it is important we talk about it and have some understanding. Not only for those in abusive situations, but everyone. And abuse is not just in the home. People are sharing with me about work colleagues and neighbours too. Abuse is harming our society in multiple unseen ways and it is how we, as peers, react to it, that makes all the difference.”
