Family disagreements can start early and never heal.
While re-connecting with a man whose family I knew, I asked after his brother and learned they had not communicated for years. The reasons were clearly personal – it was a closed subject.
Murray Smith
Sadly, fractured family relationships aren’t uncommon. Last year an American poll revealed 38 percent of adults disclosed their estrangement from at least one family member. A wide range of ‘interpersonal breakdowns’ surfaced with siblings breaking all contact with siblings, adult children turning their backs on parents and grandparents, or vice versa. About one in four adult kids reported having no contact with a parent.
I’ve known Kiwi families whose experiences of pain and bitterness went very deep. Between one husband and wife, a massive chasm had developed. Though living under the same roof, they’d not spoken a word to each other in months, choosing to relay messages back and forth via their daughter in her early teens. The toll on her was unbearable.
Too often, hurting families struggling relationally part ways, never looking back to pause and attempt reconciliation. Of course, at times a party open to ‘rebuilding’ isn’t even given that chance. And it’s not easy – no glib answer exists to the complexities of hurt and disappointment that leads to ‘loss of love’ and the void of hopelessness that propels growing numbers of people to give up on their ‘un-loved’ ones. Sometimes it seems too hard. ‘Oh, I’m just done with this person,’ feels easier.
With media messaging, television and movies normalising family breakdown, tolerance and acceptance of ‘failure’ increases. At risk of appearing simplistic or trite, can I offer six powerful considerations that have proved instrumental in bringing healing to families facing relational shipwreck?
1 – Love. It’s more than an emotion – our choice to be the right person, means seeking the highest good of others above self-interest.
2 – Boundaries matter. They help us set healthy limits around what we’re responsible for, while defining what we’re not obligated to.
3 – Self-reflection. Discovering and acknowledging ‘broken’ places within us sets us on a pathway to freedom from distorted thinking, reactive emotions, unhealthy patterns, and blind spots.
4 – Own our part. Realising and accepting “we’ve all missed the mark”- we’ve been impatient, unkind, distracted, or simply not the parent or child we hoped to be. Humility lays the groundwork for rebuilding trust.
5 – Listen to understand. Often we listen to respond, more than to really hear what another is saying. By truly listening to a family member who has cut us out from their lives or limited our involvement, we’ll be likely to grow in compassion and fresh perspective.
6 – Forgiveness. Neglecting it, we imprison ourselves.
The last word – from God’s treasure-store of wise counsel…the Bible.
“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Love is patient and kind…It never demands its own way. It is not irritable, and keeps no record of being wronged”.
Family disputes can start with something simple and develop in later year. Photo: Vika Glitter, pexels.com
